The Best, Most Excruciating Gift I’ve Ever Received

 “Your body is attacking itself.”

“Your body is eating itself from the inside out.”

“Your immune system is broken.”

Geez, and here I thought I was just losing some weight.

Sitting across from the doctor that morning, despite my best efforts, I felt tears gathering at the corners of my eyes. 

Oh, sure, I heard what she was saying:

“You just take some medication. It’s not a big deal. You keep getting your blood tested to adjust how much you need. Honestly, most people get sick of the back and forth, and they end up just getting their thyroid taken out. I can start that process right now for you, unless you want to try the back and forth.”

But all I could feel was completely, utterly, and hopelessly betrayed. 

I had blissfully started a new life halfway across the country the second I graduated high school. And in those early adult years, similarly to how the sunrise starts to fill the sky with gradual light, I gradually grasped that my body had been the only thing that had always been there for me, that had never let me down. I trusted my body, and I felt great purpose in taking care of it.

And now, here I was, being told that I had been let down by the one thing in my life that I could always trust. My last hold out; my rock, my foundation. My ride or die.

I left that appointment in a dazed stupor. I stepped outside and found myself staring at the sky. I saw light and shapes and colors, sure, but I didn’t see the sky. I didn’t see anything.

I am beyond blessed that my other half, my true ride or die, understood the gravity of this for me. We watched our two little girls running around and playing, the youngest not even in kindergarten. We wondered together how I could take this medication that could destroy my quality of life? How could I not take it?

They say the world pivots on a dime — and in the days after this diagnosis, mine did in the most unexpected of ways, when spiritual guidance came from an unexpected source. Her understanding changed everything for me. 

She explained that my body was not betraying me, but in fact was giving me a precious gift. 

My knee-jerk reaction? Insanity!

But once that faded, a new sensation took its place —one of deep resonance. My soul recognized this truth on the deepest level and understood it immediately, but it would take a couple years of work and dedication for my brain to catch up.

The proceeding weeks and months brought a steep decline in my overall health and prevented me from being able to run down the hall and play with my young children, from being a bridesmaid at my dear friend's wedding, from sitting with a heart rate that wasn't pulsing in my ears, from having any semblance of a normal day. I was scared and confused - at times, excruciatingly so.

Armed with my new outlook, however, I sought alternative understanding to what was going on in my body. I discovered that there are many different lenses from which to understand autoimmunity. I dug into as many as I could find, and ultimately chose to go the functional medicine path. 

Though it took me a little trial and error, I was able to find an incredible functional nutritionist who discovered that I had a raging mold infection in my gut. She explained that as a result, there was a chemical compound — the same one given to organ transplant patients to suppress rejection of the new organ — coursing through my whole system. Once we started protocols to target the mold infection, my symptoms started melting away within weeks. My lab numbers stabilized over a period of 4–6 months, and at my next yearly appointment, my doctor walked in and said, ‘You fixed your thyroid. I’ve never seen anyone fix their thyroid.’ 

I had my health back! I had my life back! I was cleared! I was elated! 

And this is where the real problem started for me.

I started to sense the scars of the disease process still in my body. My body was still on constant high alert and hyperreactive to things going on within my body. I could feel the stress cascade through my body when under even mild stress, even positive stress. I knew that I was only teetering on the ledge of health stability. 

I was still having significant adrenal fatigue symptoms and other unexplained symptoms, and I could not get rid of this pesky redness on my cheeks that had never been there before. I tried explaining what I was feeling in my body to my providers, and the answer was either — it’s in your head, or try this new supplement. But every time, the supplements just ended up creating more confusion. I may have been medically cleared, yes, but I continued to feel like, and perceived myself as, a sick person.

I decided one day that i’d had enough. I did not want to see myself as a sick person in perpetuity. I would have to find healing at the core, and it wasn’t going to come from another supplement bottle. 

I immersed myself in research and followed many rabbit holes to cutting-edge research in neuroplasticity, myo-lymphatic-fascial physiology, nervous system regulation and somatic and trauma theory, brain wave states, the biofield, the functional health model of stress, inflammation and detoxification, the body as a source of healing, and with awe, surveyed many healing and wisdom traditions from across time and space.

What I discovered taught me that physical health goes much, much deeper than just our physical bodies, and science is just starting its foray into this complexity.

I started to see how everything I was learning fit together in a cohesive puzzle, and could be combined synergistically— so that the total effect is greater than the sum of its parts. 

Thus was born the 5 Petals Pathway. By synergistically combining nervous system regulation and remodeling, myo-fascial-lymphatic clearing, somatic subconscious work, meditation and somatic movement, energy work, and more, I was seeing incredible results in my own personal physical, emotional, and mental health; my relationships were improving by leaps and bounds and I was achieving dreams and finding a peaceful vitality I had only ever dreamed of. 

I realized that this was something that just had to be shared, as it could help anyone who is struggling with anxiety, chronic stress, chronic inflammatory health conditions, relationship issues, and more. I started a business helping people implement this approach in their lives, which has been a healing endeavor in itself - seeing others transform their lives is an honor to be a part of.

Now when I look at myself, I can see that I am the most whole version that I have ever been. I know how to continue on with forward growth, and I look forward to the future and where this journey will take me. The things that truly support my soul have blossomed and become more apparent in my life, and the things that were not supporting my highest self, have faded away. The authenticity of my life feels like reaching a boulder to stand on after having tread water for years. 

Looking back, if I was to ask myself — would you wish that experience on your worst enemy? Not in a million years.

Would you want to go through it again? Absolutely not.

Are you glad you did go through it? Unhesitatingly, resoundingly - yes.

It was the best, most excruciating gift I’ve ever received.